geins_farmhouse

geins_farmhouse @ 2007-03-07T18:06:00

2007-03-07T18:09:42Z

This is just fucking stupid

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/6426831.stm

geins_farmhouse @ 2007-03-04T02:57:00

2007-03-04T03:03:05Z

Marcus is a cunt when he's pissed, but I fucking love him. I'm gonna miss him, it will bring a sad tear to my eye to see him leave for Canadian Beavers.

Bless you Montague, every last cunting ounce of you

geins_farmhouse @ 2007-01-28T21:11:00

2007-01-28T21:12:55Z

I never thought I'd see and instance of 'cum-shot' on the BBC website. Second paragraph.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/6282193.stm

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-12-17T18:42:00

2006-12-17T19:17:46Z

Since it's only 8 days til fucking Christmas, today I should have been shopping. But I wasn't. Cos shopping is worse than having your bollocks stapled to fence and being gored by a 2000lb bull. Instead I was stripping out a mark 3 Ford Fiesta with my brother ready for his next race - which is in FUCKING MARCH! But still, was great fun. And better than shopping.

I know I keep putting it off, but what's the point in even going out to the shops when I don't even know what to get anyone? Unless you're 18 months old or 12 years, in which case you're piss easy. An indestructable toy for the former and a PS2 game satisfies the latter. I wish everyone was this simple. But somehow I don't think my mum would be too impressed with either a Bear in the Big Blue House talking thing or a Lego Star Wars game.

To be honest I would rather be called a cunt for not getting anyone anything, than go shopping and get mown down by ignorant bastards on motorised old cunt carriages, listen to screaming children being dragged around by their stupid mothers and suffer the blast furnace heat expelled upon you in every shop you walk in, only to come home with dis-satisfying, over priced, useless gifts. SHOPPING IS FUCKING GAY!

Right. I don't know about anyone else, but I've had enough of this. I'm gonna continue being Scrooge and finish off the mince pies which were bought for Christmas. Ha ha ha...

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-12-02T15:29:00

2006-12-02T15:29:41Z

This is the funniest cartoon I've seen in a while. It's on par with the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs porno. This is said to be made in 1924, and entitled 'Buried Treasure'.
The bloke in it solves the problem of his morning erection in typical cartoon style - by shooting it with a gun.
Living in a cartoon would be great. Like if you wanted to kill someone, you'd just drop a piano on their head.

Enjoy!

NSFW by the way

http://www.guba.com/watch/2000904493

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-11-23T12:19:00

2006-11-23T12:19:44Z

I love the Germans. I've bought a snowboard from a German dude on ebay and chortled at every response I've had from him.

For example, signing off each email with: "Much fun, Oliver"

And translated feedback: "Everything in the best way run, gladly again! Much fun wishes"

I'm not mocking him, as my German is appalling, merely enjoying the amusement of dodgy translations. He he...

My new board has genuinely fake plastic bling, a gimp on the top and is fluorescent pink on the bottom which makes the snow around it glow. Shit hot

In other news, where will bastard healthy eating strike next? These cunts should be force fed pies 'til they have onion gravy pouring from their ears
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/6175726.stm

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-11-17T16:55:00

2006-11-17T16:55:26Z

Thank FUCK it's Friday! :D

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-10-08T19:50:00

2006-10-08T20:04:03Z

Reet. Been down my Grandma's all day helping my brother Kyle get his car ready for next Saturday. It's almost done, just a few monor things to prepare. I painted the numbers, names, sponsors, etc on it :D amongst doing other things. Make the most of it, it wont look like this for long:

For those who dont know, Kyle and his mate Lee race bangers. It's fucking brilliant! Ask Mike and Kate, they are the latest banger racing fiends, just how much of a great day out it is. CARNAGE!!

Next race meeting is on Saturday in Birmingham. Hopefully the car won't get too wrecked. This is what's left of his last car. He he he....

Amazing fun! On other subjects, I have a new car. It's yellow. FUCKING YELLOW!! Not got it on the road yet, it needs a few things fixing up on it, but I got it cheap so I don't care.

Until next time....

PS. My new yellow car ISN'T that one in the last photo, it may also be yellow, but it's nowhere near that fucked!

Sparkling Pasta

2006-09-10T15:35:11Z

Eazy slags. Broardcasting live from the shit hole we've woken up in, this is Mike and Guyler. The infamous duo of stupid fucking adventures.

Last night began in Ripley, where we went for a 'farewell' drink with Sue and Nigel as she has left the butchers and has another job. From there we intended to get some beer and head down to Ruth's for a party, but that didnt happen so we just went to Sainsburys to get beer, pasta and sparkling water. Let us go back in time briefly...

Back in Germany we met a group of scousers, one of which came out with the funniest comment of the holiday: "Why is everything in Germany carbonated to fuck? You get like sparkling pasta, you open it and it froths all out over the top" Well, we were rolling, still rolling now, so just had to have a go ourselves.

Headed back to Guyler's with our shopping, where we created the greatest meal in the world (Mince beef, onions, gravy, tomatoes, peppers and sweet chilli baked beans (Heinz Mean Beanz) served with fresh multigrain tagliatelle and mountains of grated cheese). Fuckin Lovely.

Ate our creation, drank our stella and watched The Amityville Horror. Then watched possibly the shittest 'porn film' in the entire world. The Lord of the G-Strings. It was the sorriest excuse for porn we have ever seen. It was that bad, we were SKIPPING the sex scenes just to see the rediculously shit plot. Characters such as Dildo Saggins, Smearnoff and Hymentorn provided an abysmal movie.

We continued the porn fest, watching exerts of My Hot Wife is Fucking Blackzilla, Lex the Impaler and Four on the Whore. And she was a whore. This went on til at least 4.30am, fell asleep in the end. Woke up about 7 and went to bed.

Got up just after 12, ate breakfast while watching an Ed Gein documentary and one on autopsies with Doctor Dick Shepherd. Then came the sparkling pasta. Ho ho!

The ingredients:

First we boiled some sparkling water for the pasta. Beware, it froths up to fuck when it boils.

Then made a tomato and herb sauce, with added sparkling water. As you can see, it looks like shit.

After adding further ingredients, more liquid was required. With the assistance of Mike, more sparkling water was added.

Served with wholegrain penne and topped with grated cheese. Bon Appetit

Close up. We added sausage, peppers, garlic, leeks, paprika and chilli powder to our tomato and herb afterbirth.

Then desecrated it with more cheese

Mike loves sparkling pasta

As does Guyler

The verdict:
Sehr gut! Not that sparkling though. We found that boiling the water took away the carbonation. Our next experiment with sparkling pasta requires a soda stream, so if anyone has one to lend, greatly appreciated.

On next weeks show, placenta pie. See you then

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-08-20T22:28:00

2006-08-20T21:33:48Z

Look what I found on the Sunday search for porn:

It's 10pm, do you know where your wife is? With Blackzilla!

PS. Mike's porno mag really is fucking shit

Brief corny metal speech

2006-08-01T17:48:03Z

Brothers and sisters of metal, Wacken is nigh.

Continue to spread the word of true metal far and wide during our absense, we shall show Germany the strenght and might that is British steel.

Farewell warriors, we shall greet you all upon our gallant return...

...on a lighter note, rock out with your cock out, and thrash out with your gash out. Oh yes, you love it.

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-07-30T14:16:00

2006-07-30T13:38:17Z

It's been a while since I last came on here. Not had much to say really, so didn't see the point in updating. Just like now I guess.

Good news is that Germany is only 3 days away, very excited about going. Just packing my bag now and noting any last minute things I need to do.

Got a huge 100 litre bag off ebay, retails at £65, bargain at £29 including postage from Germany. There's plenty of room in it for all my stuff. Tent, sleeping bag, the lot, with room to spare for a small child should I want to take a snack. Plus, got a brand new Regatta rain coat for £1.70! Can't beat ebay for bargains.

Anyway, I'm off for a wank, then up to Sainsburys to buy toothpaste.

Laters, fellaters

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-06-15T20:04:00

2006-06-15T19:35:00Z

Evening all

Seem's I'm a little late in sharing the adventure which was Download, so I won't give my account as it would just be spliced versions of everyone elses....BUT FUCK ME WAS IT GREAT FUN!

Big thanks to all the guys I went with, and the new folks I met there, wouldn't have been the same without you!!

Before Download seems quite a blur. My new phone arrived, its rather swanky. On Tuesday I recall going to Wakefield with Mike to see Deadfall and Evile. We made tacky beaters in the car before we went with Tesco value t-shirts and a black marker pen. Pete enjoyed the slogan: DEADFALL, FUCKING YES MATE!! Should be photos soon on the forum.
Deadfall were great as always, and Evile were brilliant, having not seen them since way back in October at Dominion Fest in Hull. Looking forward to 22nd June when their 'Thrash til Death' tour with Pittiful Reign and Headless Cross comes to Junktion 7, with Deadfall added to the billing also. Should be a great night.

Not a lot cracked off since my return, been working mainly, plus getting back on track with Rob's house rennovation up in Pinxton. And or course catching up on the thrash I have missed dearly!

Jono's birthday celebrations tomorrow. Heading out to party somewhere, rumoured Ripley or Belper, won't know for sure until Mike informs me.

Then The Old Angel this Saturday to see Deadfall (again!). It's funny, I just haven't got bored with seeing them live one bit. Shout up if anyone's already going out or up for going

Also, I have a new user-pic, which I robbed off of one of Kristy's photo pages. Cheers for that!

Ciao for now...

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-05-30T17:42:00

2006-05-30T17:35:36Z

Like every weekend, last one was a party. But seeing as it was a bank holiday weekend, of course, it just had to be bigger than usual. Turned out to be a (just) memorable 32 hour bender...

Began on Saturday night. Was my grandma's birthday, do stayed in to begin with to enjoy a Chinese with the rest of the family. Afterwards, headed off with my two boxes of beer up to Becky's house party. Got there around 9ish and immediately doubled the Stella quantity, now 80 bottles in total. Spence, Mike, Jono and Matt were already there so I missed the first round of tequilas. Jen arrived soon after and Jono decided he would look at the porn on Becky's dads PC. He found a most hilarious porno-cartoono of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The drinking continued, and after a whole 3/4 bottle of vodka, Becky was smashed and went to bed at about 11. I think she got up again, then went back to bed. Not entirely sure. Liam, Amy and Tori showed up, followed by Ben, Sally and some others who's names have lost me. More drinking and smoking followed, and later most were hammered and went home, Spence went up to bed, leaving just Matt, Mike and I. No idea how much longer I stayed awake. After a few measly hours of kip, I woke up on the sofa, with Matt and Mike each on an arm chair. Mike arose, and while Matt gradually made his way onto the floor while still asleep, made breakfast and coffee. All the Stella had been drunk, leaving an ocean of bottles on the worktop, around 100 bottles and cans in total. Left at about 9.30 Sunday morning, which is where it all began again...

Ont the walk home, stopped off for a tin of lager each on the park and in our still drunken/hungover/very tired state acted very daft. Wandered up to the pub, where I was recharged with Guinness and a full english. Got home around 1, Snap, Crackle and Popped-one-off, had a quick shower, then met Mike back up Ripley to carry on. Went down to Belper where we randomly ran into Pete, who followed us and a box of beer round to Lee's. His 15 year old friend got pissed and threw up down his stairs (ha ha ha), and seeing as she's just a kid had to be home for bed-time. On the way back, we stopped at the pub, then moved on to another pub where some random women sat down and talked to us. Ha ha, Mike groped the older of the two. Lee went home, while Mike and I ended up staying there til 5.30 Monday morning. Belper is dead at that time. It was like a ghost town. Completely silent, aside from the footsteps and giggles of two pissed up party fiends.

Unable to get a taxi, and after picking a very sleepy Mike off the pavement, we walked home, calling at the just-opened paper shop for supplies on the way. Worst flap-jack I've ever had, should have gone for the icecream like Mike. Got to Heage, and desperately needing the toilet, hoped but doubted that Kate would be awake so we may have used the facilities. Not even Bryan was up. Took the short cut through the field, where I just had to go for that that shit. Got soaking wet walking through the long grass and collapsed into bed at 7 o'clock after seeing Mike off on the rest of his journey. Woke up at about 4pm and made Sausages and Mash for breakfast/lunch/dinner and went back to bed again at 7, where I slept right through til 8am this morning. Surprisingly, I feel great today thanks to all the sleep.

This weekend is Onslaught in Bradford, then it's Download next. On with the partying...

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-05-20T18:07:00

2006-05-20T17:39:35Z

This is the first sober post in a long while. :P You should know what I've been doing in recent weeks, if you haven't been out with me, you've read about it elsewhere...

At the beginning of the week I ordered our Testament/Onslaught/Xentrix tickets, the shows up at Bradford Rio. Was hugely looking forward to the massive collaboration of thrash, seeing as we saw Onslaught last weekend down in Camden and they were fucking brilliant, and, thanks to the magic of the internet, discovering Xentrix. Their name is a big gay, but I guess a lot of things were in the 80s. They seem quite under-rated, I'm sorry I never found them before. Then yesterday I had an email (and today a phone-call from the venue) saying that Testament had postponed. Bummer. But all is not lost. Now I read that the night of thrash goes on, with extra bands. :D A night of pure British thrash metal. Onslaught. Xentrix. Evile. Headless Cross. Pitiful Reign. Fuck me sideways with a bin wagon. (Sorry about the following one-liners) More head-swinging than a good hanging. More whiplash than any pile-up the motorway has ever seen. More wind-milling than fucking Holland. And all for £15! Still a bit disappointed that Testament won't be there, but I can't complain when you take a look at the consolation.

Meanwhile... Last Thursday, Mike, Kate and I went over to Nottingham to see Deadfall play at the Old Angel, where we met Felix. Was good to see him again, hadn't seen him since the new year. The band, hell, it made up for missing the guys at Worsop the other weekend. They fucking killed. And thanks to their even longer set, so did my head. I am proud to say I initiated the headbanging amongst the crowd, followed closely (not more than one head rotation) by Mike and Felix. Afterwards, the lead vocalist (Mike T) thanked us for getting not only the crowd going, but the band also, was well pleased! :D Found out they have a gig over at the Town Mill in Mansfield next week, so onward we go, thrashing out with our...mustaches out?? Also, got Lordaeron at the weekend AND Becky and Spence's party on the same night. Kil-ler.

Tonight, Mike, Kate and I are off to Belper to crash a friend from school's 21st birthday party, picking up other party-goers who've been racked up on the way. If you read this before it's too late, and you aren't in Hull or anywhere random, get yo ass down there too.

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-05-07T03:52:00

2006-05-07T02:54:24Z

Fucking hiccups are fucking gay. Why do they plague me worse than gonorrea? It's fucking shit.

NB. I'm not in any way implying that I have gonorrea

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-04-08T01:56:00

2006-04-08T01:19:43Z

Morning all.

Just got home, absolutly spannered, after a night on the piss up Ripley with good ol' Mike. Sat here troughing a pizza like a fucking toddler. Absolutly covered in grease, but I dont give a fuck. It tastes better than vagina. Got extra kebab meat on it as a topping, probably why. Mmmmm....Greek vagina

Going on holiday tomorrow, by the way. Leaving for Canada in two hours. TWO FUCKING HOURS! Wondering if it's worth sleeping. I stink like fucking hell. I smell worse than the resedue around Jesus's arse hole after his fucking (see Mike's new Peruvian t-shirt). Must get up in time for a shower. If not, 10 hours left festering on a plane is going to be HORRIFIC. Oh well. I will still smell sweet to me, don't give a shit about my fellow passengers. I'll just fart on them. HA HA! How do you like the smell of my arse! Full of Lager enema, ready to excrete all over their pompous fucking faces. FUCK YOU, ECOMOMY FLIGHT WANKERS! I hope at least SOMEBODY is laughing at this. I find it amusing, anyway. FART JOKES NEVER DIE!!!

Right. Now is the time I stop trying to finish this pizza before I get too bloated and throw up (I will save it for breakfast in 112 minutes) and get a bit of sleep. All fuck all of it. I apologise about this rant, and my girth, I know it's a bit big for you girls, but at least I got you warmed up. With pizza. Mmmmmm....pizza....all cheesy and red....just like....YOUR COCK! HA HA HA HA.

OK, that was below the belt. Now I really will fuck off and slap myself in the face.

Thrash 'til death mother fuckers, every last one of you

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-03-26T13:23:00

2006-03-26T13:44:36Z

What a fucking night! I can tell from my mum's comment on my first rising. She said laughing: "Just look at the state of you". So I did. HA! Vince Neil is back more than ever. Wicked :D

After meeting Mike in Ripley for a few while we waited for the bus, we headed to Derby to meet Jono, then on to The Vic to see Lordaeron. Lol, the place was rammed with young teenagers, all there to see Gay Wank Fest and the make-up wearing Drag-nought. More GYPPRO than Gary Glitter could wave his cock at.

Lordaeron were fucking killer though! I've more whiplash than a Sunday morning car wreck. The singer jumped into the crowd early on in the set and started head banging with us all. Managed to crack skulls with him, right on the bottom of my temporal bone. It's a bit sore, but I'm proud to add it to the list of MRIs (Metal Related Injuries). I'm told by Jonez that there were about 30 people swinging their heads about too, looks like they're getting quite a fan base.

Mike, Jono and I left after their set, Jono commenting on his now lack of hearing ability, but overall enjoying his first death metal experience. Decided not to go to First Floor in the end as it would just be an anti-climax compared to what we just witnessed, like it has been in the past. It's a shame really, I don't know about the others, but I was ripe for more metal, just not the wankery we'd have had to put up with in there. The East Midlands needs a new club that's dirty, heavy, a fucking grim. There'd be a sign on the door stating 'NO POSERS' and beneath, 'Jeans and leather only. No cracker-jack clothes'

Went the Standing instead for cheap drinks. Met up with Liam and his new lady-friend, Amy. She's a cool lass, nice one Liam! Was joined by some of Mike and Liam's Derby crew, egged on a bloke being sick outside, then headed back to Jono's. Hackett fell asleep first after showing off his very soggy feet. He'd been wearing the same wet socks for three days, they were horrific. Can't remember who did it, but he ended up getting his mouth full of nub ends, one up his nose, and another in his ear. I took a

I wasn't smoking, but Mike, this guy John and I were the last ones standing. Got a cab home and finally crawled into bed at 7.30 this morning. I remembered it was mother's day too, but my mum wasn't up for breakfast in bed at that time. She can't say I didn't ask!

Deadfall again on Thursday :D Fuck yes! Mike and I have come up with a wicked idea for the gig. It's top secret, and I can't say any more at this time, but I will report back if we pull off this tacky-as-fuck-thrash-as-fuck maneuver.

Excuse the girth, I shall bore you no more. Off to enjoy this can of Nurishment...in the mean time, THRASH 'TIL DEATH!

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-03-23T18:26:00

2006-03-23T18:29:35Z

Top tip: if your dinner is a bit bland, simply chuck in into a frying pan and curry the bastard. Tonight I have curried stewing steak, broad beans, carrots, brocolli and sprouts. Lovely :D

ATTENTION METAL BITCHES

2006-03-12T15:47:20Z

Where the fuck are you?

Mike and I would like to meet you to bang heads, and maybe more

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-03-11T15:07:00

2006-03-11T15:18:07Z

FUCK YES!

We're going to WACKEN! And to Party-San as well! Booked the tickets and flights this afternoon. So excited :D

This August, Mike, Jonez and I will be headbanging like never before. Two weeks. Two festivals. Too many bands to give us whiplash.

Every heavy metal maniac should check it out, the billings are fucking killer, and they just keep getting better
Wacken
Party-San

On the subject of metal related injuries, going to see Deadfall play again tonight at The Bunker's Hill Inn, Nottingham, and Lordaeron (Jonez's band) with Cruel Humanity on Monday at The Vic in Derby.

Shit, this is gonna be one hell of a week. Deadfall tonight, Loraeron Monday, Mike's off work all week and he's coming over to get pissed and make real haggis (unfortunatly not with a cows womb like I requested), then on friday it's the bender of the year - St Patricks Day. Both heads and livers are gonna take a battering, and you guys know it. See you then! :D

Vince Neil is BACK!

2006-02-26T13:04:29Z

It's happened before, but never so extreme. This morning, or afternoon as it were, I got out of bed, went to the bog, then looked in the mirror and my hair looked like Vince Neil's did in 1982. For those who aren't familiar with Vince's 80s hairstyles, he's the blond one in the pic below:

Quite good really, seeing as all the volume is supporting my battered head. Thrashed like a bastard last night, the KILLER night that it was :D

Destination Nottigham, with Mike, Liam and Jonez.
Went to see Deadfall (Pete's the drummer) and they were FUCKING BRILLIANT. They get better every time they play, last night being the third time we'd seen them. Looking forward to their next gig sometime in March or April I think, and of course Bloodstock. They played some new material and it was excellent. Was so good I didn't mind that they didn't have time to play their Slayer and Metallica covers.

Then moved forth to City to continue the partying and mess my hair up even more. A little concerned about the Basement though, wouldn't play some of our requests (and before anyone comments, they weren't as extreme as they could have been, we were considerate). Did miss some good stuff when we were next door, but to sit around waiting for them would have been unbearable. Caught some Metallica and Iron Monkey amongst other good songs, but generally the music was just awful most of the time we were in there. To quote Anal Cunt's masterpiece "It just gets worse..."

But hey, had good ol' faithful Rig to keep us entertained, even if I was in a metal mood all night. Enjoyed the likes of Motley Crue, Skid Row, Def Leppard, GNR, to name a few. Lol, Jonez was very amused by our singing and dancing to Bon Jovi.

By the end of the night, most were very hoarse, either from the many instances of 'RRRRAT OUT!' or the sheer screaming along to the music. I tried to speak to my mum this morning, but I sounded like I should be in a black metal band.

Anyway, time for breakfast I think. Apologies for my girth, just wanted to share last night with those who missed it, you know you'll be there next time :D

THRASH 'TIL DEATH MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-02-23T17:22:00

2006-02-23T17:32:45Z

While nursing my head, trying to eat breakfast and asking myself why the hell I keep staying out 'til 1am getting shit-faced on a work night, I heard about this scheme on the radio this morning. Anyone who drives a car, van, lorry, or icecream van, rides a motorbike, has a petrol lawnmower or just likes sniffing petrol in general should check it out.

Basically, they're trying to get loads of people to register for a discount card for fuel. The site explains how it'll work, etc. so click the posh banner:

Dunno if it'll work, but it's worth a shot

geins_farmhouse @ 2006-02-18T11:36:00

2006-02-18T11:45:54Z

YES YES! Look what came in the post this morning:

Haven't played this since I was at primary school when I used to go around my mate Gavin's house. One of the memorable things from my childhood, I must say. Anyways, just thought I'd brag about my latest possession :P now I'm off to throw cars at people, beat the shit outta vending machines and genreally kick ass. Mike, you should come over so we can play two player. Onward Two Crude Dudes! Let nothing defeat us!

Prepare to enter my mind...

2006-02-05T21:57:56Z

...or not as the case may be

I've only really created this to view my mate's journal, so this short, shitty post may be all this will be. We shall see. I may add to it, but it might make me a 'pompous asshole dickface'. Mike, you'll know what I mean :P

PS. For those who don't know what I look like, the image isn't of me. I haven't robbed graveyards of corpses, paraded around in their skin, ate their flesh, decorated my home in body parts, killed anyone, or been mistaken for the legend that is Ed Gein. Though I think a soup bowl made from the crown of a skull would be very cool.